Stag Rats
What is the Stag Rat? The Stag Rat is a guy who goes to at least 6 stag parties in a season (with at least 1 being for a guy he barely knows, but heard it'll be a good time), or 3 stag parties in two weeks, that'll lock you up for stag rat status also. What are some of the characteristics of the stag rat? I'm glad you asked, let's take a look, via comparison to the common black rat, or rattus rattus.
- Rats are nocturnal, and are most active at night. - Duh, need I elaborate here?
- Rats are social, and do best if kept with other rats (or group of rats). -Coincidentally, a group of rats is known as a mischief. If you go to enough stag parties, even the casual observer will notice that in a given region, the same group of guys seem to be at almost every stag party, they may or may not know each other, they may not even know the groom or acknowledge him, but they're like the table cloth on the table:, nobody really notices them, and they usually end up trashed by the end of the night with food and beer on them, but they're there.
- Rats reach puberty very young - at 6-8 weeks of age. They shouldn't be bred this young, though, so make sure males and females are separated before this age. -Convert that number into hours, and divide by two, then insert the words "before the buffet and at least 1 and 1/2 kegs," and you'll have the formula for when the strippers should come out.
- Females go into heat every 4-5 days (for about 24 hours) and may seem agitated or restless during this time. -Something about hookers should go here, no comment.
- Wide range of markings, as well as varieties (e.g. standard/smooth, rex, hairless, tailless). -Stag rats come in all shapes and sizes, old guys, young guys, fat guys, bald guys, creepy guys, cool guys, these guys, those guys. The bottom line is, if it looks like a rat, and talks like a rat, and it's drunk at a stag party; it's probably a stag rat.
- As a rule, males are larger and somewhat lazier than females, and have a coarser coat. Females are smaller and tend to be more active and playful. -Haha, this one's too easy. But picture the big fat guys, and the type of girls who are smaller and more playful, you'll get it (they prefer to be called exotic dancers though).
- Try to avoid rats that are panicky when handled, especially if they do not relax quickly, and also those that are overly quiet and calm (may be ill). -Nobody likes a rookie, which is why the young pups are easy to recognize, jittery around the buffet, nervous about purchasing raffle tickets, afraid they'll get bitten by the stag rats. Conversely, while rarely calm, the overly quiet stag rat is not quiet at all; he's passed out, drunk. In event of this, don't worry, there are other stag rats on hand, they take care of their own, so you'll probably see him passed out elsewhere, if the party should happen to change venues, this is normal.
Now that we have some of the crucial facts about stag rats down, let's discuss some of their distinctive rituals and perhaps illuminate their behavior in their native environment. For one, rats generally have multiple entrances into their lair, a parallel to this is the comfort level of the stag rat at all stag parties, this is because he's been there probably 12 times in the last week, and knows the ins and outs, the do's and the dont's of each and every venue. He's probably familiar with the help if it's a nicer stag party, you'll probably see him come in and out through about four different entrances throughout the course of the evening.
Additionally, once comfortable, stag rats can become quite territorial, say a late party goer shows up just before the raffle, and happens to win a choice bottle of booze, or have the audacity even to win multiple raffles, this man will be heckled un-mercifully by the stag rats, as they realize the pecking order has been violated, and are highly offended by the intruder.
Stag rats, being social animals, like to work in packs, so when you enter into a stag party take a cursory glance around the room, you'll notice tables in the back filled up, while plenty of other tables are wide open; that's simply because the stag rats have had a few beers, and are most comfortable with their close quarters, so as to tell off-colored jokes, do some illegal gambling, and be most effective when guarding the multiple pitchers of beer that they poured off of the keg (for convenience and efficiency's sake).
- Notice the comfort level of these rats, they don't even look up from what they're doing, thats because of how familiar they are with their environment, odds are they recognized your scent as soon as you opened your car door.
- Additionally, if you take the time to notice, the stag rats often will separate by generation, which is a bond stronger even than blood, even father and son stag rats will seem distant and aloof, if their respective mischief is present at the party. Don't worry, it's less awkward the next day if things are done in this fashion.
Stag rats also recognize the value of a dollar, just as real rats in the wild put on more weight as they get older, the stag rat (while not afraid to shell out the 20 bucks a shot to get into these deals) will get his money's worth of booze and food every-single-time; regardless of whether or not he is full, or has alcohol poisoning, a minimum of 8 beers and two plates of food must be consumed.
- If you show up early enough -which isn't difficult, because stag rats usually don't show up until 15 to 30 minutes after a stag party has started (this being so because the mischief usually has a contact on the inside, which alerts the pack as to the type of vibe being effused at the party in question)- you'll notice that stag rats can also be quite generous; they purchase the arm's length of tickets for every raffle under the sun, even if it's for a anesthesia-free vasectomy. As a side note, stag rats show up late partially because they want to take the party's temperature, but also because they are thoughtful enough to allow the rookies and the unseasoned to get a few beers in them first, so as to not be so intimidated by the grace and ease with which the stag rats navigate through the ins and outs of a stag party.
Some quick stag rat facts:
- Stag rats always have the best jokes; a head stag-rat will have at least two go-to jokes for each segment of the party, these are important for determining the pecking order of the stag rat population (the head rats get invited to partake in the most shots after booze raffles), as well as for keeping the party alive and enjoyable.
- Stag rats are rarely confrontational, this being the case simply because once you cross that line and kick some ass, your stag party invitee status will drop faster than stock in Enron.
- Stag rats are always busy behind the scenes, and can execute a wide range of moves; whether it be working on a hot waitress, lining up the order of bars for the bus trip, perhaps working the phone lines to ascertain the happening post-stag party scene, or even securing an additional keg at a reduced price. Bottom line, stag rats know people, and they know stag parties, so if you want to pick up a move or two, watch them when nobody else is looking, they're do-ers.
So the next time you're at your twin brother's stag party, and start to wonder who the hell those guys are in the back smoking cigars and telling jokes about your mother, relax: They're Stag Rats, and they're here for the party.
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