There are things of which I may not speak...

so I won't. How's that? And then there are dreams that cannot die, but those are all the same too, so nobody really wants to hear about them. So how about Valentine's Day? Everybody get a dozen roses and a box of chocolates, or jack shit like I did. Not to say I'm complaining, on the contrary, it takes about five minutes of semi-lucid thought to weigh the pros and the cons of having a significant (b)other on this most auspicious of holidays (or most commercial, depending on how you feel about it's conception as a marketing tool). In the spirit of that, let's do a list and break this whole thing down. In no particular order, the top two reasons why it's nice to be single on Valentine's Day. Why two you ask? Well February is the second month of the year of course, and two is my second favorite number (who really gives a shit about that one):

1. Relationships-wise, I really suck at holidays. I mean seriously, ask former significant others, if they can talk about me without pulling their hair out, they'll admit normally, I'm a pretty romantic cat. But come all of the holidays, like say Valentine's Day, Christmas, birthdays, heck even Boxing Day in Canada; I muff it worse than Charles Smith in that play-off series against the bulls (for the ladies, Charles Smith was a forward for the Knicks who managed to miss three crucial lay-ups in a row against the Bulls [translation: he was really tall, really close to the large hoop he had to put the ball through, and he sucked at doing an easy task three times in a row] I translated twice because it's still within holiday range, and I haven't yet offended any women by calling them stupid and patronizing them by over-simplifying simple concepts because I feel they lack the wherewithal to understand them, so there; mission accomplished.)
   
2. Valentine's Day is a good time to be single, especially if you're cool like me. You can reap the desperate affection of all of the single girls/ girls whose boyfriends gave them a shitty V-Day (like I would have mind you) because hey, maybe we're just a couple of kids just trying to make it honest. So for all of you lovely ladies that hated Valentines day because your lame boyfriend sent you a singing card or because the only person who bought you chocolates is staring at you every time you look in the mirror; Uncle Card’s here for you, I’m just a big, cuddly teddy bear who knows how to make Konstantine by Something Corporate work for me. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, now is there.
   

So by this point in the game I’m certain I’m left with strictly a male readership because the girls who considered me a love interest/friend are so appalled by my gender patronization that they’ve decided to break up with me/spread vicious lies about me/ throw anything ever associated with me out onto the lawn; or, you’re one of those girls that still has that card ringing in your ear or have that empty box of chocolates on the floor next to the tissues and the Bacardi Breezers (or whatever the hell those lame things are called) and you realize hey, Dan’s a good listener, I’m gonna call him and let him make everything all better, so let’s talk football guys, because that trick isn’t going to get here for another hour or so.
Seriously, if you’re like me, and you’re not a communist, you have a great affinity for Tecmo Super Bowl. And if you’re like me you’re currently playing in the BFL (Belmont football league) where if you make a big play or commit a costly turnover you have to either yell real loud, say the offending player’s name like John Facenda or simply spike the controller. With this in mind let’s get real nuts and make a second list in the same blog regarding important facts about Tecmo Super Bowl (you know how I feel about the number two):

• Bo Jackson is the video game Chuck Norris, (if Norris were ever to stoop so low as to play organized sport, kind of like shooting fish in a barrel for Chuck, if you know what I mean) so we’ll not discuss Bo further, because Bo knows ass whoopings, rather we’ll outline the best of the rest. In no particular order we have; Thurman Thomas, a triple threat, he can catch, he can rush for many yards, and he can fumble in overtime versus the Bears to cost me my perfect season. And of course there is Barry Sanders; here is how I recommend handling the Detroit Lions offense: call a run play, press a, run down the field for many yards, zigging and zagging about, then repeat, many times. Finally we have the nasty Nigerian Nightmare, Christian Okoye, who breaks tackles like they were fragile glass bottles on a roof top and Christian wanted to get them to the ground below as quickly as possible, so he throws shit around and breaks shit, that’s how he rolls.
  
• This space here I would like to discuss the special relationship between Randall Cunningham and Keith Jackson, now what you want to do is put Keith in the number one receiver slot, and enjoy the result aka the beating you are capable of handing out by mixing between running with Randall, I mean Eagles QB or throwing vicious bullets downfield to Keith Jackson. And a final note on Randall, if he were to suffer a terrible injury resulting in his losing both arms he’d not be out of a job, he’d simply be added to the top running backs list, he’s that good folks.
  
• Top defenders, Ronnie Lott owns this list, followed by Mike Golic- who gets more penetration than this guy? Maybe Motley Crue at a groupies convention circa ’86. Also Ray “The Child Molester” Childress can put it down in TSB. Note to Ray, I am referring simply to the Tecmo Bowl you, not the real you, you’re probably a sweet man in real life, the Tecmo Bowl you is a big tool however.
  
• My kicking game/special teams is horrible, if Bill Walton were here he’d have fits because he’d be continually saying things like ‘that’s terrible,’ or ‘that’s a lackluster performance,’ something along those lines until I rapped him on the knuckles with the paddle and explained to him about the bitches will speak when spoken to policy. Then I’d order him to go over there with the other bitches, or alternately, tell him in not so many words to go make me a sandwich.
  
• I bet Bob Saget is really good at Tecmo Super Bowl; I have no proof of this, just a hunch.
  

Well guys, my time here is almost up, there’s a 50% off all holiday chocolates over at the local supermarket, I gotta put my Mr. Sensitivity face on and get on down there and hit on all of the beautiful babies with low self-esteem. That musical card sucked baby? I know, you can tell me all about it later, let’s go watch The Notebook and listen to some Endless Love in the dark. (I’m gonna pull more rebounds than Dennis Rodman when he had red hair and the Bulls were triple dipping). Wait, what’s that you say? Yea, I think you might be right; the Olympics are coming up, where are they this year Barcelona? You think they’ll televise them? I hope Dan and Dave do good, man how did Christian Laettener get on the freakin’ Dream Team, that’s some crap, they should have went with Isaiah Rider, he’s gonna be a great player for years to come. What, I’m full of shit? Yea like you watch the Olympics, who the hell is Turino anyway?

So before I go let me leave you with my thoughts from last night, before the computer shut down. I always liked the idea of a person having an old soul, and the thought that a person lives many lives down through the ages. It kind of makes everything more beautiful and deep- that in the great span of things there could be someone that was meant for us for all time, or perhaps there is some great purpose or project for us here on earth that takes many lifetimes to complete. I like this idea because of a lot of the thoughts I have, and the way they echo the sentiments and the feeling of a man in his later years, and here I am only twenty-three. And for love? sometimes we connect, sometimes we miss, hopefully I'll fix all that in the next life. But in this lifetime I’m not really sure about how we’re doing with all of that. Could it be that my soul and this life didn’t really synch up this time around; could it be a lost cycle, where love is apart from my great project, or my time now is to be given to gather ideas and inspiration in this life for one last push in the next. And then I wondered if I was simply wasting my time, all the conditions being right, just some sort ripple in the fabric of time that put a great thing off of it's course, all of this could be forgiven right? On account of good intentions and deeds done in a past life. Well that’s just a thought for a dream some night, or perhaps I’ve got lifetimes to go before the answer catches up with me…